Lemony Goodness
by SVENPAI
Summary: Jean was an honest guy, but he was allowed to keep some things secret. His beauty secrets being one of those things.


Jean had always prided himself on his totes indie hair. Shaggy dirty blond on top, with an extremely edgy darker undercut. So edgy you could cut yourself on it. Obtaining his look wasn't easy. It wasn't as if he could go to the local pharmacy to purchase a L'Oreal hair bleaching kit, even though he was so obviously 'worth it.' And whether or not pharmacies exist behind the wall, or even outside it, is debateable. We could've asked Eren's dad, but he's gone. Disappeared.

Fucking Jaegers, ruining everything.

But back to our sexy protagonist, Jean.

Since joining the training squad, maintaining his look had gotten a whole lot harder. His mother was no longer around to help him fix his roots, and, despite living in Trost, he was much too proud and masculine to go home and ask her to help him. And initially, he'd have to admit, it was hard. He liked playing it cool and keeping it all undercover. He also liked to keep people guessing about the colour of his pubic hair, just in case it increased his chances of scoring (it didn't). Jean was an honest guy, but he was allowed to keep some things secret. His beauty secrets being one of those things.

* * *

But how, you may ask, was he doing this?  
How did he keep his hair so totally rad?  
The answer, dear reader, is lemons.

'_Lemons_?'

Well, dear reader, frankly, acid is some crazy shit. It can also be used to lighten hair.

* * *

Over the years, Jean had perfected his own formula for lightening his hair. The perfect balance of lemony goodness and other assorted ingredients that made his hair smell great. It was top secret though, known only to him (and his mom). It was something he'd never tell _anyone_, otherwise everyone would do it, because that was how cool he was, everyone looked up to him and thought of him as the best role model and wanted to be him. He wouldn't even tell Mikasa if she asked. Jean didn't want her to end up changing her hair colour, it was nice as it was. She needed no citrusy enhancements. Plus, she might tell Eren, and then Eren would do it. Which wouldn't be cool at all.

As secretive as he tried to be, Jean couldn't escape the occasional question when he returned to the camp with an armful of lemons. Once Connie had asked about them. Even if Jean was up for sharing his secrets, like hell he'd tell Connie. He wouldn't understand. He didn't even have any fucking hair. How could he understand? So, he lied and said they were for throwing at Eren. To prove his point, he then threw one at Eren. But it missed and hit Armin instead. And then, he had to sneak back about an hour later to salvage the precious lemon. Connie was nothing but trouble. But, on the plus side, at least he hit a nerd. Even if it wasn't Jaeger. Fuck Eren.

Another time Jean was almost busted was when he was lying out in the sun, giving the sun the privilege of bathing his half naked body and letting the juice work its magic. His bff Marco was with him (RIP you beautiful freckled bastard), and they were just chilling, talking about deep and meaningful no homo bff bro things, when suddenly Marco asked about the lemons. As bros 4 lyf, Jean wasn't entirely opposed to telling Marco about his top secret hair product. But there were other people around, and he didn't want to risk his secret being leaked. So he told Marco they were good for your skin, and then proceeded to rub lemon juice all over his chest, wincing as it got into all the little cuts he'd gotten during training. If it was anyone else, they probably would've cried. But not Jean. He was tough. He was a true man.

Being Jean is tough. Not everyone can be Jean. Being Jean is a difficult and dangerous thing. That's why he has to keep this secret. To protect others from being Jean. He's doing the world a fucking favour, protecting them from the hardships of his life. Being Jean is like being Batman. Everyone thinks it's awesome, and it is awesome. But it has its hardships and responsibility. And that's why he must keep the lemons a secret. You can get some serious burns if you do it wrong, and he doesn't think he'd be able to live with the guilt.

But everyone knows because, despite how hard Jean tries, he's just so obvious and his excuses are fucking terrible.

But they don't mention it. They respect what he's doing. And they let him live the dream. Even Eren, and Eren fucking sucks.


End file.
